Wow, it’s been six years since this blog was started.
It’s also been two years since I last updated the small amount of people, who would occasionally leave a comment on here. Don’t get me wrong, I have approximately 145 saved drafts from different things I wanted to write about and share. I guess there was a lack of commitment on my end, and an undetected fear of it not being completely worth publishing.
Looking back since my last post, a LOT of things have changed in my life. If I was to look tunnel-hole vision towards the future, I would only be in denial of what life had in store for me.
I’ve since lost many, many friends. This is mainly due to me second-guessing my communication skills, inevitably shutting people off before any awkward or disheartening interactions took place. I feel like the second-guessing part reaches a lot deeper.
I don’t really know what to say or talk about, and I’ve abandoned having any type of structure throughout this post.
Let me just rant about my emotional instability:
Mental health is a tricky thing, you don’t realise the beginnings of struggling with your mental stability as a young child. Slowly as you persevere into adolescence, it becomes your norm.
As you you paddle along, those mornings you cannot bare to talk to anyone, or let alone pick up your phone, goes without reason. Everyone has those days, right? Where the first thing you think about that morning, is that you’re failing at life already, only 15 years in? That you’re 100% the disappointment in the family, and you feel sorry for weighing them down?
SURELY that’s ok, and normal? Everybody has those days, I’m just too lazy, and unmotivated. I don’t set goals, when homework is due I don’t turn up, and my friends think I hate them because I won’t return their calls.
“You need professional help” is best friends with your unconscious-conscience.
Before you know it, you’re kind of tipping over the edge. It escalates.
In order to keep your own image, and protect yourself from letting anyone see who you really are, you suppress a lot of it. There is no sense of control, and it’s manifesting inside of you. Like a disease.
You don’t tell your parents and the chemical imbalance is growing. You’re an excuse for a human being and you don’t know why you have absolutely no control.
It’s the biggest thing you have the most trouble understanding. You don’t realise you are working with a disadvantage, you only see yourself as your own version of the devil, hating every aspect until you shut down or breakdown.
I missed 2 years of education. I stopped developing as a human, and shut down. To a point where I really were dragging my parents down. Getting up to go to an appointment became the biggest struggle of the week. It would end in tears, and sitting across from someone in silence, wasting an hour of their time getting me to say something. If I dared whisper a word, I would be in tears. It was a bit like being destroyed from the inside out.
(Thank you, Ally, for sitting through those long sessions of either angry venting or complete silence.)
Luckily I found that it isn’t normal to be like that, and I’m not an ‘excuse for a human being.’ That I had something biologically wrong with me and medication + therapy could get me out of that headspace. I haven’t been held back in school, I’m now in year 10 and feel as if I’m on an even playing field. No, not with other students. I’m done comparing. I’m on an even playing field with myself. It’s fair game now.
Sometimes, others don’t. My heart goes out to them.
This is a message to myself. It’s a Saturday night, and after getting all of this out, I think i’ll be able to sleep.
Thanks to all my long-lost internet friends. I checked the comment section and your links to any socials are no longer valid. Hopefully we’ll come across each other someday. Maybe a comment section on a different platform.